I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
