I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
