i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
