if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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