She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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