Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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