So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
