Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize