I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
