Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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