is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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