I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
