i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
