cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
