don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
