I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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