I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
