So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
