I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
