Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
