I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
