The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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