why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
