the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I believe in your delicious
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
