census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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