Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
