A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
