I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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