Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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