I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
