He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
