I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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