Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
