Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
