I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
