So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
