i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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