Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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