there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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