I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
