I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
