so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
