There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
