i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Acid is not a monday night drug
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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