Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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