I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
