i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
