I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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