Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
