I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
