singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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