I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
