somebody snuck up and got me drunk
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A+ Viking dick
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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