you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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