My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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