I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
